In today's fast-paced world, creating meaningful relationships requires more than just waiting for things to happen. Most women say they want a man who takes action and steps up to pursue them and while that's a completely valid expectation, I find that many women don’t understand how to engage a man in a way where he’s naturally inspired to do so.
Men, on the other hand, are often waiting for a sign of interest or permission to take that step. Kind men don’t want to come off as pushy or inconsiderate. They want to respect a woman’s space and not treat her like an object. Men are seeking genuine connection just as much as women are and yet, they often don’t know exactly how to approach it.
We all have expectations and ideas about how this is supposed to look. The problem is, all of those expectations are as different as the people involved. What we often perceive as lack of interest is really miscommunication and we’re so busy trying to protect ourselves from rejection that nobody is really honest about what they want.
To make deeper connections is to let your guard down and become available for others. In this post, I’m going to share how you can use the incredible power you have in relationships and create a dynamic where your needs and desires are met with enthusiasm.
Why more relationships don’t take off…
The biggest thing that prevents new relationships from taking off is our collective resistance to vulnerability and fear of rejection. So many more relationships would succeed if we could just find the courage to be honest about what we want.
When we start dating someone, we don’t know their history, their desires, or their expectations; we only know ours. Most of us assume if they don’t naturally match our expectations, it’s not a fit without ever vulnerably communicating about it. Both men and women need to develop the courage to say what they’re looking for, to vulnerably share their interest in the other person, to say, “I really like you and I think this could go somewhere.” Without expecting the other person to feel the same way.
Often when we ask for what we want, we get it! And sometimes we don’t but when you get comfortable bridging that gap, a whole new world opens up for you in relationships.
When we develop the inner courage and worthiness to be able to own what we want and accept however the other person may feel without taking it personally, we learn to bridge the distance that keeps us separate from others. While your feelings may not always be reciprocated, you might be surprised how often they are and how frequently your avoidance of vulnerability has never allowed you to realize that.
Facing Your Fears
There is one fear that is fundamental to all human beings: men, women, and those who identify otherwise. It is that we are inadequate, undesirable, and unlovable. Every experience of rejection triggers this fear and that’s why so many of us avoid it at all costs.
This avoidance leads to lukewarm connections where people seem nice but don’t ignite a spark. We play games, we try reading between the lines and consulting our friends about what someone’s actions might mean. We do everything other than speak directly with the person about it. This lack of clear, honest communication sends mixed signals and communicates half-hearted interest, and this causes people to give up before we’ve even gotten started.
Women often wait for men to make the first move without expressing they would like him to do so. Men are often waiting for a sign of interest. A simple, “So when are you going to ask me out?” on a dating app can go a long way.
If someone is consistent in communication with you, it’s safe to assume they have some level of interest and if they’re not bridging the gap, it’s your job to do so. Why? Because you’re reading this post and therefore likely have more awareness than they do.
Invite them into the connection you want to have. At best, you’ve found the love of your life. At worst, you gain the clarity that this is going nowhere and can avoid wasting more time on it.
Here’s What to Do Next
Make a practice of being open and vulnerable. Let people know that you’re interested and what you want from the relationship. Women can get better at expressing exactly how they want the man to show up for them and men can get better at listening and following through. Plan dates together, take turns making decisions, and express clear appreciation for each other’s efforts.
Here are some simple statements you can use to express your feelings and move the relationship forward:
"I really enjoy spending time with you and would love to see where this could go."
"I'm interested in getting to know you better."
"I feel a strong connection with you and would like to explore it further."
"I like you and would love to take you out on a date."
"I always look forward to seeing you."
"I feel happy and comfortable when I’m with you."
"I’d like to see you more often and get to know you better."
"I think we have a lot in common and would like to see where this can lead."
"I'm interested in building something meaningful with you."
"I have feelings for you and want to see if you feel the same way."
These statements are examples of ways that you can bridge the vulnerability gap. When you communicate directly and honestly, you create a safe space for the other person to express their needs and desires as well.
Experiencing deeper connection starts with honest communication and vulnerability. In clearly expressing your feelings and desires, you bridge the gap and invite the level of connection you’re seeking. Waiting for the other person to do it leads to a stand-off that is the death of most new connections.
It can be scary to take this step but remember, when we ask for what we want, often we actually get it.
There will be people who don’t reciprocate those feelings and in those instances, it’s important to let the relationship go and trust that there is something better out there for you but don’t let an experience of rejection cause you to shut down. Rather, allow yourself to deepen your feelings of worthiness and conviction that you can have the love you’re seeking and courageously try again when the next opportunity arrives.
This is the way to create conscious love and those who know they are worthy enough to ask for what they want, are those who get it. If you’re interested in working together to develop this worthiness and conviction plus receive hands-on guidance in taking these steps in real-life situations, click here to learn more about The Inspired Love Program.
Thank you for reading.
In love,
Shane
Shane Kohler has worked in personal development and transformation for over a decade. He has led seminars throughout the US, coached thousands of people through his various platforms, and created The Inspired Love Program, a guided process to attract and sustain the conscious relationship of your dreams.
Shane is the co-founder of The Living Relationship, author of Our Life Together: A Couples Journal, and creator and host of The Conscious Love Show podcast. He is a husband, a dog dad, and spiritualist and is passionate about helping people heal the pain of their past and create a future filled with love.
He teaches that only by accessing and sustaining the vibration of love, can love be realized externally in partnership. Shane guides you to remove the blockages you’ve built against love so you can be ready for and call in the authentic partnership you've been seeking.
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