The dynamics of sexual relationships are challenging to say the least, but knowing the science behind how men and women bond can help tremendously. Turns out, a lot of the frustrating things you experience may have a very reasonable explanation and it often has more to do with evolution and hormones than it does how much someone actually likes you.
In this article, I’m offering a clear, relatable guide to help you navigate your sexual relationships with men, based on evolutionary biology and practical insights.
To listen to the full podcast episode on this topic, click here.
The Science of Bonding
Simply put, men and women bond differently and this is based on our evolutionary instincts. Women have been evolutionarily wired to protect themselves and their children. I know some of you may not want to hear this, but in terms of primitive survival, that means you’re wired to bond to the men you have sex with as having a male protector is your best chance of survival as a woman.
Let me clarify, I know in today’s modern world, women don’t necessarily need a male protector, but imagine yourself being a cave woman. At that time, the world was hostile and women and their young were especially vulnerable to predators and other men.
In terms of evolution, that’s where we come from and while things may not be the way they were millions of years ago, our bodies don’t always understand that.
Men, on the other hand, are wired to spread their seed in as many potential females as possible. In terms of survival of the human race, that most likely ensures our race will continue. Where women can only have a limited number of children in their lifetime, men could potentially have thousands. These are some of the primary factors, as to why we’ve been wired to bond to each other differently.
I know that may sound bleak, but hope is not lost. Evolution means we are always in a state of transition; transitioning between what we were and what we’re becoming. Modern men are more than their basic animal instincts and we have evolved to a place where men can form lasting bonds. This article is going to explain the process of how they do that.
Hormones and Bonding for Women
Due to a woman’s evolutionary need to protect herself and her children, when a woman is in a close relationship with a man, especially during sex and intimacy, she releases large amounts of oxytocin. Often referred to as the cuddle hormone because it makes you want to get close to someone, oxytocin is really the bonding hormone. It causes you to attach to someone and want to form a deep relationship with them. The closer you get to someone, the more of this hormone you release and the stronger this bond becomes.
If you’ve ever had the experience of feeling really close to a man after sex and notice him not feeling the same way, it’s because men often don’t release oxytocin in the same way women do.
Hormones and Bonding for men
When a man is getting to know a woman, there is often one hormone in particular leading the charge, testosterone. Testosterone is the male sex hormone. It’s the evolutionary element that makes him want to “spread his seed” so to speak.
High levels of testosterone in men block the effects of oxytocin. Meaning that when a man has testosterone in high levels, he’s unlikely to release oxytocin and bond with a woman the same way that she might bond with him, but that’s not all that’s happening for him.
As a man is getting to know a woman, he’s also releasing two other hormones: vasopressin and dopamine. Dopamine is the reward hormone. It makes us feel good about the thing we’re doing and want to continue doing it. Vasopressin, on the other hand, is kind of like a protective instinct. In dating, the more a man releases vasopressin, the more likely he is to feel protective of the relationship and not want to allow anyone else to take it from him.
When men have sex very early on in a relationship, they often lose interest quickly. This is because when he completes the sexual act, he experiences a drop in dopamine and vasopressin levels, known as the “Coolidge Effect.” And when his testosterone levels are high enough that they block the effects of oxytocin, there’s nothing keeping him attached to the relationship any longer.
The longer a man is in a relationship with a woman, he releases more dopamine and vasopressin, while his levels of testosterone actually drop! He still has enough testosterone that he’s sexually interested, but the other hormones have had time to build. Now he’s feeling rewarded by the relationship and also protective of it, he doesn’t want to lose it. At this point, he’s likely to release and experience the effects of oxytocin and form a more lasting bond.
The Art of Seduction and Creating Boundaries
When a woman is dating a man, she usually has a large amount of sexual energy coming in her direction. Skilled women know how to manipulate this energy. Not in a toxic or destructive way, but in a way that leads to the best result for everyone. Redirecting his sexual energy in a warm, sexy and flirty way, letting him know this may lead to more but you’re not ready for it yet is very exciting and keeps him on the edge of his seat!
When you require a man to put the brakes on it, in a sexy, playful way, you honor his experience while also asserting your boundary. This leads to excitement and anticipation, keeping him interested and invested in the relationship. But, if he feels shamed, rejected, or misunderstood when you set boundaries, it’s likely that he’ll feel this isn’t the right relationship for him and lose interest. It’s important to appreciate and acknowledge his desires while also standing firm on your boundaries. Balancing this is very powerful and attractive.
The Power of Patience
Imagine wanting someone so much that you can almost taste it, but not being able to have them just yet and having to work toward it. The more rewarding your interactions are, the more he comes to value and protect the relationship. This builds a strong, protective bond over time. Each step he takes to earn your affection makes you more valuable in his mind. This is the experience in which most men fall in love.
It’s important to note that this isn’t about holding power over him in a manipulative way, it’s about self-respect and pacing the relationship in a way that’s comfortable for you. Most men can feel the difference and if you do this inauthentically, he’s likely to resent you for it and lose interest.
Trusting Your Intuition
When I teach this, women always ask, “How long until he’s ready to bond with me?” The truth is, there’s no exact right time to sleep with someone. These are generalized experiences that every individual relates with in unique ways. There are even women who bond more the way men do and vice-versa. However, this awareness can be helpful to know as you date someone and as you see him become more invested in the relationship in a non-sexual sense, you may feel that it’s time to go there with him.
Somewhere in the range of 2-3 months often seems to be the sweet spot, but that’s by no means a rule. My wife and I slept together for the first time after 3 weeks. That being said, we spoke for hours every night of those 3 weeks and we knew each other prior to dating.
Every situation is unique and that’s why it’s important to trust yourself and your intuition. Take calculated risks in intimacy when you feel it’s right and learn from your mistakes. If you’re present in your interactions and listen to your feelings, you’ll know when the time is right.
The most important thing to note is that women tend to bond differently than men do. If you find yourself feeling insecure or frustrated because he isn’t expressing the same level of emotion, remember that his bonding process is different. By having compassion, understanding and awareness of the varying experiences and not expecting others to relate in the same ways we do, we can develop emotional resilience and skill that allows us to navigate our relationships more effectively and lead to better outcomes.
By respecting yourself, setting boundaries, and being patient, you can build a meaningful and lasting connection. Trust your intuition and take things at a pace that feels right for you. This approach not only protects your emotional well-being but also creates a deeper, more rewarding bond with your partner.
Thanks for reading and lots of love <3
Shane
Shane Kohler has worked in personal development and transformation for over a decade. He has led seminars throughout the US, coached thousands of people through his various platforms, and created The Inspired Love Program, a guided process to attract and sustain the conscious relationship of your dreams.
Shane is the co-founder of The Living Relationship, author of Our Life Together: A Couples Journal, and creator and host of The Conscious Love Show podcast. He is a husband, a dog dad, and spiritualist and is passionate about helping people heal the pain of their past and create a future filled with love.
He teaches that only by accessing and sustaining the vibration of love, can love be realized externally in partnership. Shane guides you to remove the blockages you’ve built against love so you can be ready for and call in the authentic partnership you've been seeking.
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